Thursday, August 15

Ferris State Logo wins best in Michigan

You have got to be kidding me.

The Detroit Free Press held a bracket-style contest to determine which school/team had the best logo in Michigan. And after a week of heated voting, the Ferris State Bulldogs came out on top. Seriously.

"Ferris' logo. Woof." -Home Alone

Look at that monstrosity of a design they call a logo. The awful colors. The terrible shading. The cross-eyed eyeballs. The non-symmetrical collar. The terrible shading (worth mentioning twice). This looks like a photocopy of a dollar store coloring book, and it was voted best in Michigan. 

Am I bitter that GVSU's logo lost to a high school team named the Chix? Yes. For an online contest, it was embarrassing for a university with an enrollment of 23,000 and almost 20,000 Facebook likes to lose to some small west Michigan high school named after a baby chicken. But I digress. GVSU isn't all that recognizable, and the GV logo is pretty plain (I wish they would have used the Louie version). But the fact that the winged wheel and olde English D both lost to this haggard canine should shake us to the very core.

The old English D is literally a symbol for the city of Detroit. The winged wheel is part of one of the most storied franchises in sports and adorns one of the best uniforms in athletic competition. The mutt even beat the Grand Rapids Griffins logo, which is pretty cool. Griffins are cool. Hastily drawn bulldogs are not.

This has to be rigged, right? You could vote multiple times, so did some computer mastermind create a program that voted once every second, giving Ferris State the victory? There is no way the historic logos of two most popular franchises in Michigan lost to a DII college in the middle of nowhere. No way. I demand a recount. 

Or maybe Ferris State is just really good at marketing. Apparently they blitzed all social media platforms, emailed alumni, got lots of news coverage and used the athletic department to really pump up the volume. If it wasn't for my Ferris State friends posting on Facebook, I never would have heard about the competition. Good for them.

In the end, this is the most important poll of our lifetime, and I will most likely never get over this. Ferris State, you win this round, but at least our football team never looses to you. The joke is actually on you Ferris, because this poll means you can never redesign the bulldog. This is your burden. Carry it.

By Aaron Brandt, longtime logger of logo logistics.

Sunday, August 4

Make up your mind, Shark Week

Welcome to Shark Week!

A docile, peaceful shark.
The Discovery Channel's famed week of shark-based television programming returns for yet another year. Sharks on sharks on sharks. But I am not as excited as most. Yes, the first day or two, I will probably check it out. However, I do not see myself watching much more, for one reason: contradiction. I don't know what to think of sharks, and Discovery Channel is 100% to blame. There are two types of shark shows on during this week, and they give the opposite message.

1. The first type of show, are of the "Sharks are actually peaceful, misunderstood creatures" variety. These shows get into the idea that sharks are actually nice creatures who mean us no harm. Us mean old humans just agitate them and confuse them into thinking we are a nice otter sandwich. Poor sharks, they are so misunderstood. And humans are so dumb. We are really dumb, for real. They're not eating errybody out here!

2. The second is the "HERE'S BLOODY RE-CREATED FOOTAGE OF THE MOST BRUTAL SHARK ATTACKS EVER" shows. Thirty minutes of carnage, stock videos of sharks and a 4 second clip of an actual attack that gets played 50 times. Check out this shark that ran up on the beach and attacked a bus! This shark swam up the Mississippi, to Chicago and attacked fans at Wrigley Field! This shark was waiting for us on the moon, and almost ate Neil Armstrong!

For every sympathetic portrayal, the next show will undoubtedly feature sharks acting really uncool to people. And by uncool, I mean eating them whole.You can't have it both ways, Discovery Channel. Either sharks are just misunderstood dolphins with feelings, and families and teeth, or they are savage monsters, bent on the destruction and domination of this country's sea to shining seas.

And personally, after a few shark shows, I've had my fill. I don't think shark programming is all that interesting. I'll watch Planet Earth all day, because there is a wide enough variety of topics, species and antelope maulings for me to digest while digesting Twizzlers. Sharks, not so much.

Have fun with Shark Week, and let me know if the shark community decides if sharks are mean or misunderstood. But I'm guessing Discovery Channel will leave you hanging. In the ocean. With  fins circling your broken surfboard. Hint hint, Open Water does not end well.

By Aaron Brandt, who thankfully never owned a shark-tooth necklace.