Wednesday, February 27

List of reasons to cancel school

Last night, we were hit with a nasty snow squall. I drove down I-94 right in the middle of its icy wrath. I will admit, it was bad. But it eventually stopped, the temperature went up and the plows had time to clear the roads. My commute this morning was smooth, with the exception of some puddles.

Shut. Everything. Down.
However, a large amount of schools including Oakland University decided to close their doors because of the snow. Get real. Most of the snow is melted by now anyway, and the roads are clear. Was this the result of an OU student's sob story on their Facebook wall or just a terrible terrible forecast? Maybe someone stole the code to call into all the TV stations?

Who knows. But now that we live in a world where 3 inches of melting snow can cancel school, I have created a list of other "disasters" that might cause schools to close in the future. Principals, please hold a seminar for your staffs regarding this information. You are not allowed to put this into Powerpoint form. Please, stop using Powerpoint.

Reasonably Reasonable Reasons to Close School
  1. Any amount of snow greater than 2.7 inches.
  2. Every time a butterfly flaps its wings in Japan.
  3. Wind speeds exceeding 6 MPH
  4. More than three lightning strikes in an hour within the continental United States.
  5. When the printer gets jammed. Any printer. Anywhere.
  6. If the number of squirrels on campus exceeds seven.
  7. If gas goes over $4.00 per gallon
  8. Today is Polar Bear Day (Just FYI)
  9. The Dow Jones Index falls a certain amount of points
  10. JWoww's birthday (Today! She's 27! That's like 73 in tanning bed years!)
  11. If the new Star Trek isn't very good.
  12. If there are too many birds on one wire.
  13. If the clouds don't look cautiously optimistic.
  14. Justin Verlander pitches less than six innings.
  15. If your phone has below 50% battery remaining.
  16. If Farmer Jim's hen lays less than two eggs.
To those complaining about school not being cancelled, cry me a river. Did George Washington just cancel the Revolutionary War when the weather got bad? No. Did Balto quit carrying the serum from Anchorage to Nome when everyone was sick? No. Did Santa quit on Christmas Eve when it was thicker than pea soup out there? Not a chance. Three inches of snow? Deal with it.

By Aaron Brandt, first time .gif blogger.