Wednesday, January 9

Monopoly token rankings

Part 1 of 2.

Hasbro Gaming, the fine people who make the board game called Monopoly, announced that they would be getting rid of one token from future board games. Fans can vote for their favorite existing tokens, and the token with the least amount of votes is scrapped for a new piece, which you can also vote for online. Click here to vote.

In order to help you make an informed decision, here are the official Swimmers Itch power ranking for Monopoly tokes. Handle with care.

Current Pieces:

  1. Car. This is my go-to piece. Fast, streamlined and ready to rip up and down Park Place, this token is the most dependable token out there. While other tokens have become obsolete, the car has only gotten better with age. I'd drive this souped up derby car right now if I had the option.
  2. Battleship. The fearsome battleship strikes terror into opponents' eyes as it menacingly patrols each property. The world of property and speculation is cutthroat, so why not have a cutthroat token? Battleships can travel long distances, shoot at stuff and turn into cool museums when they are retired. Win-win-win.
  3. Scottie Dog. Dogs are loyal, friendly and they can help you acquire all the orange properties. While other tokens are inanimate objects with no feelings, the dog loves you, cares about you and wants you to build a hotel on Virginia Ave.
  4. Wheelbarrow. The Wheelbarrow is hard-working, durable and can take a lot of crap. Literally, you can fill it full of crap and it won't say a word. It also has a wheel, so it can handle long journeys around a square playing surface.
  5. Iron. The iron is from a simpler age without electricity and probably pants. It is durable, composed of solid iron and is a very good blunt object in case the British redcoats attack. But it is dated, it drags on the ground and it has a tiny handle that only small children can grasp. The iron is the child's token. I play Monopoly like a man.
  6. Hat. These kinds of hats are only seen in black and white movies where the protagonist finds himself in a gust of wind and his hat blows away. Or at comic book conventions, worn by people who think Anime is real life. Hats are not durable either. I wouldn't be mad if a gust of wind blew the hat away for ever.
  7. Thimble. I can't stand that the thimble doesn't actually fit on any fingers. Like they couldn't make it 20% bigger? And who uses thimbles anyway? I doubt many people even know what a thimble does. 
  8. Boot. Death to the boot! Monopoly needs to get rid of this old, floppy boot as soon as possible. All the other tokens at least look new; the shoe looks like something that you might find at the bottom of the Detroit River. And no laces? Were there budgetary concerns that stopped Hasbro from making laces? Boots were not meant to be seen without laces. Boots were not meant to be in the game of Monopoly. Give the boot the boot. HA.
Tune in tomorrow for my complete ranking of the new Monopoly tokens, which include a robot, diamond ring, cat, helicopter, guitar and RGIII's kneebrace. 

By Aaron Brandt, who isn't stupid enough to waste money on Boardwalk or Park Place. Play the percentages, people.