Tuesday, October 30

Star Wars: Episode 7 in the works

Actual footage from Episode 7
Today, Disney announced that it was going to acquire Lucasfilm in a stock and cash transaction. Lucasfilm was founded by George Lucas, and is responsible for the Star Wars franchise. In the press release, Disney announced the partnership would lead to new toy lines, theme park additions, television spin-offs and yes, three brand new Star Wars movies.

The release reports that Star Wars: Episode 7 is targeted for release in 2015. No other details about the movie were made public. Because of that, I am forced to fill in the blanks.

Possible Episode 7 scenarios/characters (please note that I am aware of the hundreds of Star Wars books that occur after the original 6 episodes, and the following is probably some kind of nerdy, mom's basement blasphemy against that canon of literature. Deal. With. It.)

  • Space Pirates of the Corellian becomes the unofficial title, stars Johnny Depp as a quirky space pirate obsessed with "Black Helmet's" treasure. 
  • Now that Vader is dead, the Evil Emperor Zurg takes over as the #1 bad guy.
  • The movie will be shown in theaters as two versions; "regular" and "karaoke sing-a-ling with that white ball that bounces on the lyrics"
  • The Death Star will be remodeled into a giant, gaudy castle. That's no moon...
  • The plot will also follow Luke Skywalker's kid, Ben Skywalker as he sings his way through high school. Spinoffs "Endor Musical I, II, and III" to follow.
  • Episode Seven stars Taylor Kitsch, and just like every other one of his movies, it totally bombs.
  • A Pixar short film is shown before the movie titled: "Star Wars: Revenge of the little lamp thing that got crushed in Toy Story"
  • Space Mountain is re-branded as Star Wars Mountain; no changes are made to that archaic ride.
  • Jar-Jar Binks plays a very prominent role in all three ensuing movies. 
By Aaron Brandt, Star Wars Episode I Racer expert.