Saturday, October 13

Ban field goals in football

You heard right. Get rid of 'em.
Never again.
Field goals are as un-American as driving on the left side of the road and the metric system. Get rid of them and restore America's game to where it should be. Do you think Abe Lincoln would have kicked a field goal when he was 4th and 2 on the Confederate football team's 26 yard line? No. Abraham Lincoln goes for it, and he converts. Touchdown, North! (Insert alma mater joke here.)

Field goals could be the worst play in sports. Yes, you get a few points, but then again, it is a sign that your team failed. You can almost hear the collective "meh." in the stadium once a field goal is kicked. Enjoy your cheap three points, knowing that you could have had seven, maybe eight.

Also available in orange.
And the fact that kickers need a different ball than the normal ball is a clear reason kicking should be banned. What, you can't use the same ball the rest of the team uses? Are you better than the team? Yes. Why not give Tom Brady a Nerf Vortex and see what he can do? "Brady, back to pass. He sees Gronkowski on the sideline! The throw! (whiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiistleeeeee sound) Touchdown Patriots!!!!!!!" No.

Where is all of this anti-field goal rhetoric coming from, you ask? Well for one, I accidentally dropped Janikowski from my lineup last week, and two, my strategy in Madden 13 involves immediately cutting all kickers and punters in favor of a few extra Gatorade bottles.

Seriously, I never kick. Kicking is nothing but an admission of defeat. Kickers should be called "defeat specialists" because they do nothing but lead you to wishful, seven point thinking. Kicking is for weak teams who don't trust the abilities of the athletic people on their team. Kicking was the reason for replacement refs (research pending).

Apologies to Jason Hanson, the greatest Lion of all time (that hurts my fingers to type), but let's leave the kicking to soccer.

By Aaron Brandt, former owner of three Nerf Vortexes.