Friday, November 25

Salads: The villain of Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I sure did, besides the fact that the Lions blew it again and Suh is an idiot. However, I would like to take a minute to discuss one of the key issues facing the stomachs of Americans all over the country. Salads.

I simply do not see the point of salads and I never have in the past. Traditionally, the salad comes before the meal; an appetizer, if you will. However, I find nothing appetizing about salads whatsoever. Salad is glorified grass, served with a few shrived vegetables and doused in a sauce of fat, sodium and high fructose corn syrup. Basically, salad is cow food for humans.

You could eat salad all day, and never get full. In fact, world champion speed eaters consume mass amounts of lettuce in order to expand their stomachs due to the fact that salad has almost no nutritional value. The only way it tastes respectable is if it is covered in heart attack syrup. So why would I want to eat anything with no taste or satisfaction? Beats me.

And rarely is salad fresh. Nothing says yum like some limp brown leaves and soggy tomatoes. Even fresh salad has its drawbacks. The fresher the salad, the more likely a boll weevils will be crawling all over it, ready to occupy 100% of your household food items when they catch a ride from Olive Garden to your house.

I move to abolish salad. I am not a horse, content with whatever plant scraps my trainer throws at me; I want to enjoy an appetizing appetizer. Give me some nice Italian bread or at least an onion ring or two. Real food. None of this pointless salad business. Do you think the Pilgrims messed around with salad? No, they were too busy killing live animals with guns and cooking them over fire to waste time preparing a tedious salad. America. (Technically the new world at the time.)

By Aaron Brandt, frustrated salad eater.

Thanks to Mara (below average texter) for the topic.

Wednesday, November 16

Why I don't own an umbrella

Way back in 2008, I was going over my list of junk to bring to college. Toothpaste, underwear, Lord of the Rings complete extended edition on DVD; you know, the usual. My mother suggested that I bring an umbrella in case it rains while I'm walking to class. Being the independent 18 year-old I was at the time, I scoffed and rejected such a ridiculous offer. Well mom, looks like I had good reason to deny that umbrella. 

The Reflector A man reported to be carrying a gun toward ECU’s campus actually was carrying an umbrella, officials said today. Reports that he was carrying a gun prompted a three-hour long lockdown of East Carolina University and a large search of campus and surrounding area by armed police. Officials ended the lockdown just before 1 p.m., and an e-mail from Chancellor Steve Ballard said the reports turned out to be unfounded. Campus was locked down following two 10 a.m. reports that the man was walking on Fifth Street downtown toward campus. A search produced no arrest, officials said, and no hostage situations took place. Police confirmed at a news briefing at 1:30 p.m. that the man had a large umbrella in his backpack that people mistook for a rifle. Scores of armed police, with guns and rifles drawn and pointed, searched city and university buses, the Rivers Building and other campus facilities, the downtown area and a residential area near campus.

See, when you bring an umbrella to class, you send your school into lock down mode for three hours and find yourself face down on the pavement with an entire SWAT army pointing automatic weapons at you. Is that really worth it? I'll put up my hood and forge through the worst of what West Michigan has to offer if it means not getting shot in the name of dry clothing.

By Aaron Brandt, anti-umbrella, anti-get-mistaken-for-a-terrorist.