Wednesday, October 19

Wild animals on the loose in Ohio!

"Townspeople hid indoors Wednesday as deputies with high-powered rifles hunted down and killed lions, bears, tigers and dozens of other exotic beasts that escaped from a wild-animal park after the owner threw their cages open and committed suicide. After an all-night hunt that extended into the afternoon, nearly all of the 50 or so escaped animals had been either gunned down or captured alive, authorities said. As of midafternoon, the only animals still on the loose were a wolf and a monkey, according to the sheriff's office." The Denver Post

Typical Ohio. Letting some nut job stockpile some of the world's most dangerous animals until he lets them all out and then kills himself. I worked at a zoo all summer, so I consider myself to be an expert when it comes to taming wild beasts, and even I think this is ridiculous. You could just be running along the road, training for the Cleveland Marathon, and BOOM, you are trampled by a giraffe and eaten by a lion. No time to even fight back. I blame LeBron.

And of course animal rights activists are up in arms over the sheriff's order to shoot and kill the animals on the lamb (pun). I mean, we don't want to hurt those innocent animals as they tear through the local elementary school, would we? In reality, we have a once in a life time opportunity here. People pay thousands to travel to Africa for a chance to shoot some big game, but now you can hop in the car for a few hours and fire away at all the safari creatures you want! If I lived in Ohio, I'd be setting bait traps and spike pits like I was Tom Hanks on Castaway. Just hoping for my one moment of glory. Babe Winkleman's Outdoor Secrets will be all over that.

Also, I picture the rouge monkey and wolf as best friends. Like, they are smarter than all the other animals, so they decided to work together. The monkey rides on the wolf's back, terrorizing the country side with pranks and other nonsense, and when the situation gets heavy, the wolf goes all White Fang on everyone and then it's back to monkey business.  Just two wild animal bros having a great time in Ohio. The same cannot be said for Roary the Lion over there...

By Aaron Brandt, who received a "B" in his high school PE archery unit. Bull's eye. 

PS. Ohio apparently can't spell "animals" when it matters most? Ani Als.

Tuesday, October 18

Words with Fronds

An original artwork by Aaron Brandt.
By Aaron Brandt, Mt. Clemens Library Scrabble champion 2002.

Monday, October 17

This week in music

Here is a smattering of sound waves, a proverbial who's who of musical artists and brand new songs currently shuffling through my iPod, which Steve Jobs himself forged at Mordor with his bare hands. Click the links to legally listen to each song. Some of them are so piping hot fresh that there are no YouTube links. So find it yourself.

1. Princess of China- Coldplay (feat. Rihanna)
2. Verses the Mirror- States (Happy birthday, Molly)
3. Toes- Lights
4. Without You- David Guetta (feat. Usher)
5. Call me Hopeless, But Not Romantic- Mayday Parade
6. Where I Belong- Switchfoot
7. Crash- You Me At Six
8. All That Comes Out of My Mouth- Carolina Liar
9. Radiosurgery- New Found Glory
10. After Midnight- blink-182
11. Television- Jack's Mannequin

12. Slightly old jam- Crawl- Kings of Leon

13. Really old jam-Chicago is so Two Years Ago- Fall Out Boy

14. Mashup/Dubstep/House jam- Paper Towels- Kap Slap

By Aaron Brandt, copy/paste expert. 

Saturday, October 15

Michigan vs. Michigan State: The ugly aftermath

So I don't know if any of you heard, but Michigan State beat Michigan 28-14 and I found the resulting Facebook/Twitter response more than humorous. Let me go over the classic reaction/war of words between Michigan and State fans.

MSU Fan: "Hey Michigan, we beat you 28-14! Four years in a row, little sister!"

Michigan fan: "Yeah, but we are 67-33-5 overall against your sorry school."

MSU Fan: "I don't care about the past. What was the score this year, little sister?"

Michigan fan: "We are still smarter than all of you anyway. You go to a farm school."

MSU fan: "Yeah? Your girls are all ugly, little sister."

Michigan fan: "At least we don't play dirty like you guys do."

MSU Fan: "We overcame all 13 of those penalties and you still lost by 14, little sister."

Michigan Fan: "At least we didn't cheat like you guys did 10 years ago. Spartan Bob."

MSU fan: "Scoreboard. Let's play basketball, little sister."

Michigan fan: "Your program is not elite."

MSU fan: "Your quarterback is not elite."

Michigan fan: "Why don't you go burn a couch."

MSU fan: "All of your fans are Walmart Wolverines."

Michigan Fans: "Because our school's standards are so high. That's why you didn't go here. You couldn't get in with your GPA. Go deliver my pizza"

MSU Fan: "Who won the game again?"

Michigan Fan: "We should have because you guys are cheaters. And your uniforms are ugly. That's not even your school's colors."

MSU Fan: "You don't even have a mascot."

Michigan Fan: "You will work for me someday."

MSU Fan: "You will...You...We...What was the score?

Michigan fan: "You smell bad."

MSU Fan: "You smell worse."

Michigan fan: "Want to stop pretending we care about football so much, and watch the Tigers game tonight?"

MSU Fan: "Sure."

Michigan fan: "Ok, save a pizza for the game, after you are done with your delivery route."

By Aaron Brandt, noted college football rivalry dialog writer.


Picture credit: Dale G. Young/The Detroit News

Tuesday, October 4

The TBS strikezone is wrong!

I hate that stupid little box on the right side of the screen called Pitch TRAX, that displays balls and strikes. During playoff games, it sits there, flashing every single pitch. But who died and made this computer king? Instead of actually watching the game and understanding the nuances of an individual umpire's strike zone and style, we blindly depend on some computer made by the same network that gives us Meet the Browns? Why? If you paid any attention, it was clear to see that the computer was not always perfect. But there it was, acting as the be all end all when it came to balls and strikes.

Take a look at the called strike zone by umpire Wes Gerry Davis. Yankees fans and Tigers fans alike complained about how off the calls were. Well, maybe if they paid attention to the game, and not the computer program that Tyler Perry put together while filming Madea Goes to McDonalds, the haters would have seen the consistency. In fact, it appears as if the Tigers got the smaller strike zone. But not accoridng to the technology that Stuey Griffin programmed. Baseball isn't a game of perfection. There are so many wrinkles that change day to day, such as the strike zone, first base calls and even the way the infield dirt is watered. To get worked up about balls and strikes based on the interpretaion of a computerized system that is clearly flawed is futile. Just watch the game, friends.

By Aaron Brandt, who is trying to repair all the floorboards on the Tigers' overloaded bandwagon. Tigers in 4, 5 or Yankees in 5. Game, set, match. Fried.

P.S. I am writing this blog in my sports writing class while watch a documentary about professional wrestling. Yes, I am improving my writing by not paying attention in my writing class. Tuition money at work, people.

P.P.S. Get baseball off TBS.