Friday, December 9

Why the Chris Paul trade was denied

Recently, a huge trade involving Chris Paul, Pau Gasol, Lamar Odom and a few others was rejected by NBA commissioner David Stern. Watch the short video that explains it all if you live under a rock and don't know what I am talking about. Dangling preposition.

This seems fishy to me. Here are a few possible explainations for this trade to be rejected.
  1. E! paid off David Stern so that Lemar Odom would stay in Los Angeles with his annoying wife so she can do annoying Best Buy advertisements and continue to be on her annoying shows on that annoying network. 
  2. The candy market in New Orleans isn't good enough to fuel Odom's addiction. Major candy lobbyists in LA stepped in and made sure this deal kept their largest client in the city of angels. 
  3. Bush was doing a flyover of New Orleans and remarked, "Ya know, it's been a while since I took the blame for ruining this city." Ray Nagan was mysteriously unavailable for comment.
  4. The Lakers wanted Kris Humphries in the deal, but soon realized how terrible he is at basketball and it all fell apart. They contacted Stern to take the blame for such a terrible miscalculation. LOL Chris Humphries. 
  5. Justin Bieber nixed the deal as a Christmas gift to Selena Gomez. She is a huge Pau Gason fan. Biebs gets what he wants. 
  6. The Miami Marlins made a better offer to Chris Paul, offering him $300 million and a mini Hummer golf cart just to be the guy that opens and closes the roof on the new Marlins ballpark. Take that, Yankees. You don't even have a roof.
  7. Lil Wayne refused the deal, stating “Had a lot of moments that didn’t last forever, now you’re in the corner tryin’ to put it together – how to love.” The only ones who got that reference were the staff writers at Pitchfork and Birdman.
  8. Mark Zuckerberg stole the idea of the trade from Eduardo Saverin and it ended in a lawsuit. 
  9. David Stern's brain was claimed by the Players Association as part of the lockout deal. They gambled it away a few days later in Vegas. 
  10. Basically what happened was Michigan State played Wisconsin for the Big Ten title and lost, which threw off the time-space continuum (because State fans cried about it too much), resulting in a alternate reality version Jason Richardson winning another NCAA title, forcing Chris Paul to go to MSU, which led him to get drafted later (because Izzo ruined him) and he plays for the Spurs now. The ripples from that reality came over to our own reality and altered the trade in such a way that it could not be done. Or at least that's what I learned in Mr. Dumar's high school physics class. Sparty On! (dangling preposition)
  11. David Stern is a hack.
Bonus- 12. Tim Tebow made the final call, because Tebow knows best. Tebow! Hashtag Tebow! #tebow

Yes, I know the banner at the top is messed up. I'll fix it, but you can blame Ron Paul for it in the meantime.

By Aaron Brandt, who thinks the moon landing was an inside job by the government as an excuse to go to war with the South. #conspiracy