Tuesday, December 27

Hershey's Miniatures Candy Bar Rankings

As the Christmas season comes to a close, it is time for the only list that really matters. After weeks of deliberation and debate, I present to you the rankings for Hershey's mini candy bars, a Brandt family staple.

4. Krackel Bar. Don't even bother with this scourge of the mixed candy world. Low quality chocolate, mixed with some sort of cereal extract makes for a terrible candy. It simply has a cheap texture that is all but pleasing to the taste buds. A poor man's Crunch bar, if you will. People who enjoy infomercials and cheap knifes will get a kick out of this cavity facilitator.

3. Milk Chocolate. The classic chocolate candy. Just a great mix of smooth textures and sweet taste. You can't go wrong with this American icon, but when compared to the rest of the mix, it falls to third place. Consider it a Ford Fusion, that has to compete against a Mercedes-Benz and an Escalade.

2. Special Dark. They say eating a little dark chocolate every day helps your heart. Or your blood pressure. Or your eyesight. I have no idea what health benefits this candy has, but I do know that it tastes really good. It was meant to be eaten slowly and savored. Let the strong cocoa flavorings take control of your taste buds as you melt into a chocolaty world of friendship and happiness. This bar is good, and good for you (I think).

1. Mr. Goodbar. I don't know who Mr. Goodbar is, or why he got into the candy game, but I do know he makes killer chocolate. The combination of peanuts and chocolate wasn't enough for 'ol Goodbar; he had to take those peanuts and chop them up into smaller, more manageable bits, and mingle them with the quality milk chocolate I already discussed. The texture is unmatched in candy circles; even Kit-Kat has been notably jealous. Mr. Goodbars are the first candy I go for when that plastic bag is ripped open, freeing all that chocolaty goodness (except Krackel bars, of course). Thank you, Mr. Goodbar, for making my days merry and my seasons bright.

There you have it, the official Swimmers Itch rankings. Tune in next time as I rank the best shape of gingerbread man (arms up, arms down or arms outstretched?)

By Aaron Brandt, who would have at least consulted a lawyer about the deal Willy Wonka offered before turning it down at the end of that creepy movie/book.