Friday, November 25

Salads: The villain of Thanksgiving

I hope everyone had a nice Thanksgiving. I sure did, besides the fact that the Lions blew it again and Suh is an idiot. However, I would like to take a minute to discuss one of the key issues facing the stomachs of Americans all over the country. Salads.

I simply do not see the point of salads and I never have in the past. Traditionally, the salad comes before the meal; an appetizer, if you will. However, I find nothing appetizing about salads whatsoever. Salad is glorified grass, served with a few shrived vegetables and doused in a sauce of fat, sodium and high fructose corn syrup. Basically, salad is cow food for humans.

You could eat salad all day, and never get full. In fact, world champion speed eaters consume mass amounts of lettuce in order to expand their stomachs due to the fact that salad has almost no nutritional value. The only way it tastes respectable is if it is covered in heart attack syrup. So why would I want to eat anything with no taste or satisfaction? Beats me.

And rarely is salad fresh. Nothing says yum like some limp brown leaves and soggy tomatoes. Even fresh salad has its drawbacks. The fresher the salad, the more likely a boll weevils will be crawling all over it, ready to occupy 100% of your household food items when they catch a ride from Olive Garden to your house.

I move to abolish salad. I am not a horse, content with whatever plant scraps my trainer throws at me; I want to enjoy an appetizing appetizer. Give me some nice Italian bread or at least an onion ring or two. Real food. None of this pointless salad business. Do you think the Pilgrims messed around with salad? No, they were too busy killing live animals with guns and cooking them over fire to waste time preparing a tedious salad. America. (Technically the new world at the time.)

By Aaron Brandt, frustrated salad eater.

Thanks to Mara (below average texter) for the topic.