Wednesday, October 19

Wild animals on the loose in Ohio!

"Townspeople hid indoors Wednesday as deputies with high-powered rifles hunted down and killed lions, bears, tigers and dozens of other exotic beasts that escaped from a wild-animal park after the owner threw their cages open and committed suicide. After an all-night hunt that extended into the afternoon, nearly all of the 50 or so escaped animals had been either gunned down or captured alive, authorities said. As of midafternoon, the only animals still on the loose were a wolf and a monkey, according to the sheriff's office." The Denver Post

Typical Ohio. Letting some nut job stockpile some of the world's most dangerous animals until he lets them all out and then kills himself. I worked at a zoo all summer, so I consider myself to be an expert when it comes to taming wild beasts, and even I think this is ridiculous. You could just be running along the road, training for the Cleveland Marathon, and BOOM, you are trampled by a giraffe and eaten by a lion. No time to even fight back. I blame LeBron.

And of course animal rights activists are up in arms over the sheriff's order to shoot and kill the animals on the lamb (pun). I mean, we don't want to hurt those innocent animals as they tear through the local elementary school, would we? In reality, we have a once in a life time opportunity here. People pay thousands to travel to Africa for a chance to shoot some big game, but now you can hop in the car for a few hours and fire away at all the safari creatures you want! If I lived in Ohio, I'd be setting bait traps and spike pits like I was Tom Hanks on Castaway. Just hoping for my one moment of glory. Babe Winkleman's Outdoor Secrets will be all over that.

Also, I picture the rouge monkey and wolf as best friends. Like, they are smarter than all the other animals, so they decided to work together. The monkey rides on the wolf's back, terrorizing the country side with pranks and other nonsense, and when the situation gets heavy, the wolf goes all White Fang on everyone and then it's back to monkey business.  Just two wild animal bros having a great time in Ohio. The same cannot be said for Roary the Lion over there...

By Aaron Brandt, who received a "B" in his high school PE archery unit. Bull's eye. 

PS. Ohio apparently can't spell "animals" when it matters most? Ani Als.