Thursday, July 7

Zip line crash! At a wedding!

Check out this video. It really got me worked up this morning.

My job at the zoo is to ensure the safety of all riders on the zip line. We go over inspections, safety checks, rules, more safety checks and attach a harness which reduces circulation by 12% when you have it on all day. So when I see something like this, well, I can't say I feel bad for anyone. Let's break this down.

Mistake #1- The bride clearly is not adhering to rule number four, which instructs riders to keep their hands on the rope, or keep them at their sides. Instead she goes flailing like a wounded bird, which could easily knock the trolley off of the line, causing her to get stuck or at least slow down (which happened).

Mistake #2- Clearly the bride ignored the "no dresses allowed" rule. I mean, come on, how is she supposed to put on the leg straps? Let's not get into the details of why that wouldn't work.

Mistake #3- This dude is the definition of people I can't stand. I can explain all the rules very clearly, telling them not to run or jump at the end of the platform, and what do they do? Take a running start and swan dive off the edge. Umm, bro, when you start at a high rate of speed on a downward angle, you are going to end at a high rate of speed. And the 18 year old girl at the other end will not be able to catch your beer gutted body when it slams into her at 100 MPH. In this case, just married Justin slams newly wed Wanda and the rest is history.

Mistake #4- Good idea, getting on the line when someone else isn't even at the other side yet, Hot Rod. I mean, with your running start, there is no way you will hit her, especially since she slowed herself down by flapping her arms...Oh wait, never mind.

Mistake #5- Was this dude even attached? I mean, the harness I put on people has three carabiners attaching the person to the rope and a two piece, Petzel harness which is certified climbing gear. It is impossible to fall off, even if someone acts as stupid as this guy. Was he just holding on to the rope? Good idea, man.

Mistake #6- The camera guy. Dude, just shut up and film. Let Tom Bergeron and Bob Sagat narrate your video later. Instead he chimes in with an insightful "I got it all on fiiiiilllllmmmm. That's Youtubin'...I'm Youtubin' that shh...I'm Youtubin' that, Red." I bet Red doesn't even care, or have a computer for that matter. Red is just happy about the open bar, which is clearly where the groom was right before he got onto the zip line.

In summary, it is always a good idea not to act like an idiot when you are attached to a half inch wire while suspended off of the earth. It makes my job easier, reduced your medical bills and save the life of the 112 pound girl at the catch side if you follow the rules and just enjoy the ride. So please, come to the zoo and visit me at work. Our zip line is 100% safe, and 100% fun. Juicy Juice. 100% juice for 100% kids. (paying the bills)

By Aaron Brandt, who does not do anything with lions or animal poop at his job. He remembers when that joke was funny. Oh wait, he doesn't.