Sunday, June 19

Worst father ever?

Happy Father's Day; here's a video to make yourselves feel like great parents, no matter who you are.

Umm, worst dad ever award winner here? I think it's parenting rule number one that you, under no circumstances, let your child pick up dead animals. Yet this dude is just filming his daughter rub roadkill all over herself. I'm not sure how one can intentionally get rabies, but if I had to do it, this would be one of my first ideas. Find the nearest pancaked creature and slather his carcass all over my shirtless body. I'm sorry, but are 1.9 million views on YouTube worth having your daughter foam at the mouth like she's Tea Cake from "Their Eyes were Watching God?" Then you have snooty comments from mom, "Do you think she will be a vegetarian after this?" Uhh, if by vegetarian you mean she won't be able to eat anymore because she is in an iron lung, then yes, she will be a vegetarian. If your daughter's future diet is your main concern, as she rubs a rodent's rancid bodily fluids all over her Pull Ups, then you might want to hire a nanny.  "Now take a video of the mom." Calm down spotlight hog, Child Protective Services will give you plenty of attention in your interview. I think there is a direct relation between the number of subscribers to his YouTube channel and the number of days the girl spends in the hospital.

Contrast that with my dad, who happens to be the greatest dad of all time. When he brings dead animals into the equation, it is in the form of a mounted deer used to scare me from outside of my window when I was 7. Or the fact that my old cat "ran away," until we found out he was eaten by a dog. Five years later. And when a squirrel actually did try to spread his rabies on our family, pops nearly shot him off the roof with a rifle. And I would NOT have been allowed to rub Norman's (that was his name) bullet riddled squirrel chest all over my buzz cut. No, my dad is the greatest dad ever, and don't you forget it. I have been blessed to have such a great example as a person, and a Christian as my father. And he has a pretty good blog, too.

By Aaron Brandt, who still wonders how the last cat actually died. #SuspiciousCircumstances. 

Thanks to Chuck I. for the heads up on the video.

Saturday, June 18

Cat ruins Japanese baseball game

I love a good cat story, but this cat really crossed the line. In what began as a nice evening in Japan at the hollowed grounds of Yokohama Stadium, home of the Yokohoma BayStars; turned ugly when a cat wandered onto the field and put a halt to the Hiroshima Carp's own Tomoya Sayashi's at bat in what appears to be the bottom of the third inning.  Tomoya was just trying to maintain his torrid batting average (he went 2/5 in 2009), when this idiot cat ruins it all for him. I mean, Carp manager Kenjiro Nomura was just trying to get something going with a 2-2 count when this malarky occurred. The game had to be stopped while everyone went crazy trying to either catch the cat or avoid the cat like he was Godzilla (too soon?).

I don't know what was more scared, the cat, or the cameramen when it jumped into the stands. I love when he fakes out the batboy and runs in a circle around him. Bat boys are rarely coordinated, even in Japan. Then he does what all cats do, and loses control of his furry legs when he gets moving too fast. Typical cat. Then he jumps into the stands for the final time, freaks out all ten people sitting on the third base line (must have been Rod Allen bobblehead night, hence the massive crowd) and disappears into the night. Just an average day in Japanese baseball.

This is why Ichiro left for the MLB. Because our games don't get sidetracked by a mangy cat. When stuff like this happens, we whip out the tazers and have at it. And when a cat does happen to make it onto our fields of dreams, we pick it up and throw it on the ground instead of letting it scamper into the press box unscathed.

And how about the Carp mascot? Looks like a mix between the Phillie Phanatic, The Statue of Liberty and Rosita from Sesame Street. His(?) name is Surairi, and that's about all I know about it. Sick fist pump, bro. And I want a Carp shirt really bad. I know there are a few readers in Japan; I'm just saying I take a size large...

And finally, look at what kind of food the stadium has to offer. You know what, it actually looks better than anything at Comerica Park. When your main food attraction is Little Caesars $75 Hot 'N Ready, then you're doing it wrong, Illitch. I'll take an order of the stuff on a stick, the things in a bucket and two yellow/brown drinks on the side. Priced at only 5/22~6/19, you cannot go wrong. More on Japanese baseball food later.

By Aaron Brandt, スタジアムグルメも野球観戦の楽しみの一つとして、みなさん、ぜひマツダ スタジアムへお越しください

Saturday, June 11

2011 Michigan football throwback uniforms unveiled

Michigan revealed their throwbacks today for the Notre Dame game, and I have to say, they look pretty sweet. A lot better than the monstrosities that Nike made for Ohio State (which were inevitably sold for tats). These are going to look especially sweet under the lights at the Big House. Great job, Adidas.

By Aaron Brandt, who did not sell his 1999 Fraser Recreation flag football jersey online. 

Monday, June 6

Life on Mars! Proof!

This guy's video is all over the Interwebs right now, igniting all those conspiracy theories again.

Basically, some guy got on Google Mars and found a while blob, and now he's claiming its either a "bio station," a "way-station" for space travelers who don't want to come to earth, or NASA (but he doubts they have what it takes to pull this off). And it "appears fairly well maintained." Umm, dude are you looking at the same white grainy strand as me? Well maintained? Like, can he see little brooms and containers of Lysol wipes in this supposed alien way-station? Is there a maid? That coat of paint on the front door looks recent... I mean, the gutters a little clogged, but hey, that's just a little weekend spacewalk project for Buzz Aldrin.

And  he also says, "clearly it's not a rock." Oh, you are right, Mr. Mars geologist. Based on a satellite photograph from  miles up in the Mars sky, you can deduct that a while spot is not a rock. Come on man. You see one little contrasting color and you jump to the three most unlikely conclusions possible, and then claim to have made "the most important discovery on Mars yet!" And guess what! NASA won't even talk to him about it! They must be hiding something! Because they have time to personally respond to every nut-job with a computer who "finds" stuff in space. Talk about jumping to conclusions. And bro, you are still using Windows XP. Do I need to go on any longer? I mean, the image is probably blurry because your non-existent graphics card probably can't render Google Images. The scientists who sent people to the moon would scoff at your dinosaur of an operating system.

Personally, I do not care whatsoever about goes on in space outside of our atmosphere. If aliens attack, then we cough on them like Dakota Fanning and they die of a head-cold. If there are microbes on Mars or even buildings, then we leave them alone and live our own lives. I really don't care about how spiders mate in zero gravity or if there is water on Pluto. People want us out of Iraq because of all the money and lives it costs... What about putting people on Mars? Nothing says "worthwhile purchase" like spending trillions so some guys can bounce around in red dirt. That's my space rant. If you don't like it, have a Tang and remind yourself why space it stupid. #SpaceIsStupid

By Aaron Brandt, who's knowledge on the subject of space comes from Magic School Bus and Bill Nye the Science Guy.