Monday, May 16

Flood Warning in Mt. Clemens!

BREAKING NEWS A flood warning has been issued along the banks of the Clinton River. The river is about to straight up crest at 15.2 feet. Just another reason Mt. Clemens is so different than all the rest of the sissy suburbs in Macomb. You have your little fake ponds (Stoney Creek), your little fake rivers (That ditch in the middle of Hall Road) and your little fake downtowns (Utica, lol).

Meanwhile, the residents of The Clem are dealing with a raging river teeming with radioactive catfish and probably a few Asian Carp. And you know what? Half of the city will probably be eating that stuff for dinner. Just grabbing the fish that come flopping in the front door and tossing them on the grill like its a delivery from the Schwan Man. You see, the residents of Mt. Clemens don't worry if their malls are pet friendly like the rest of pansy Macomb; they have to avoid the bullets while wading across Gratiot in order to get a burger at Your Mother's. Yes, it takes a special breed to survive in Mt. Clemens.

By Aaron Brandt, who wouldn't even dream of wishing a day in the life of the 48043 on anyone born in Allendale.