Thursday, May 26

Aliens make massive crater in New Jersey

Apparently some people in New Jersey are all worked up over an 18 inch deep hole in the ground that appeared out of nowhere. Dirt was scattered about 100 feet away, and the population is now on high alert. "It's just really, really weird," said planetarium director Jerry Vinski. "We dug around and couldn't find anything. We used metal detectors because all meteors have metal in them, and we couldn't find anything, large or small." 

Ok people, no need to overreact.  A small hole shows up, and the stinking planetarium director Jerry Vinski has to come down and assess the situation like its Roswell all over again. When I think of a "crater" I imagine some massive hole in the ground that obliterated everything in it's path. Not this little pile of mulch. 

We have people that still think we didn't land on the moon, still think 9/11 was an inside job and even more people think Michael Jackson is alive. Yet no one is doubting the story of some New Jersians? I mean, this has all the markings of an inside job. No one heard anything explode or boom or even whistle. They detected nothing in the ground. Do you realize how easy it is for me to go outside right now, without a shovel, and dig an 18 inch deep hole and scatter the dirt 100 feet away? So easy that I just did it while you were reading this blog. Twice. I am certain that some kid got up in the morning and said to himself, "Hey self, I want to get on the AOL Weird News page today. I am going to make a fake crater." So he grabbed a shovel and creaed a sensation that has left New Jersey befuddled.

My apartment complex (Copper Beech in Allendale, Michigan) has had massive craters in its parking lots and roads since February, but I didn't see planetarium director Jerry Vinski anywhere. The police never investigated and I sure didn't get on AOL Weird News. No, I just blogged about it and then got a call from the Copper Beech HQ demanding I take it back. Well, they are repairing the sinkholes as I speak, so I guess that's one good act of service I can report. Anyway, it is clear to me that very little good comes out of New Jersey. Nothing but spray tans and fake crater stories. By the way (btw), here is what a real crater looks like. Take notes, people. 

By Aaron Brandt, crater expert. (From the bomb craters that are all over Mt. Clemens)