Friday, April 8

109 year-old throws first pitch for Midland Loons

In today's breaking baseball news, a 109 year old woman hurled the first pitch at the Midland Loons home opener. (I went to a Loons game this past summer, and I have to say, despite a baseball illiterate fanbase, I enjoyed the experience.) The best part is the fact that she probably threw a better ball than Mike "The Situation" from Jersey Shore did this pre-season at a Mets game.

Viola Perez didn't strut out there like she was the cat's pajamas, wearing a skin-tight Nike warmup and jeans like she is Mariano in the bottom of the 9th. No, Viola wheeled up to the mound with her walker in a classy sweater, lined up and fired a two seamer towards home. The Situation gunned the ball into the dirt like he was aiming for groundhogs. When your release point is at the full extension of your arm and you are palming the ball, you simply don't know how to throw a baseball.

I always love it when athletic looking dudes can't play any sports. They walk around like hot stuff, but when you throw a rounded object into the equation they go into shutdown mode. You can drink all the Muscle Milk shoot all the HGH into your butt-tocks you want, but it isn't going to get the ball over the plate. I'm perfectly alright knowing that I can't bench 200 pounds. At least I can throw a baseball more than 15 feet like a real American male (and a 109 year-old woman) should.

Of course no video of Situation's throw exists online anymore, but I am serious, he cranked the ball straight into the ground. Nice throw, bro. Try out for the Red Sox.

By Aaron Brandt, 3-time Mel Ott League All-Star.