Saturday, April 30

Royal Wedding exclusive!

I would just like to take a moment to commemorate the Royal Wedding. No better reason to celebrate than when a dude born into royalty marries a lady born into a boatload of money. Congrats guys, from all of us at Swimmers Itch. 

By Aaron Brandt, who should have sold Royal Wedding tchotchke's and made a killing.

Wednesday, April 27

Finals week is...

A great time to post pictures of ferrets in sweaters. I already broke my own record for most pageviews in a month, so I'm totally mailing it in until May. Thanks for reading.

Wednesday, April 20

Vince Vaughn laughs at Roberto's shenanigans

Six goals? Classic Luongo against Chicago. The Nucks would have been better off with Gerald Laird in goal. Sort of like how the Tigers would be better off with Laird in their lineup... This is good. I want a long series so both teams are worn out for the next round. Makes the playoff path easier for the Wings, so I can hoist the cup around Copper Beech while avoiding potholes.

Tuesday, April 19

Why the NBC/NHL deal is good for hockey

The NHL just signed a deal with NBC/Versus for the next ten years. Of course people are already griping about how they hate NBC, how Bettman is killing hockey and how Pierre Mcguire is the second coming of Grendel.

BUT. Would an ESPN deal (which was reportedly rejected) be the best for the game of hockey? Look at the biggest event in the NHL besides the Cup, the Winter Classic. It gets better ratings than anything else on in the same time slot and gets tons of coverage, including a whole documentary on HBO. Turns out it was an NBC invention. ESPN didn't do anything for the game, besides add to the ozone hole thanks to Barry Melrose's hair. (ESPN also decided to air poker instead of key NHL games. I mean, who wouldn't want to watch creepy guys playing cards for three hours?)

And so what if hockey is on ESPN. Based on the coverage it gave at the tail end of the last contract, fans can live without it. There is no doubt ESPN will still give too much coverage to Mel Vampire Jr. and his stupid draft talk, WNBA basketball, soccer, and the X-Games. Yeah, there might not be as much hockey coverage on SportsCenter, but in reality, SportsCenter is so watered down that it doesn't really matter. So what if Crosby doesn't make the Top 10 plays because footage of a cat running across Fenway was chosen? Nine times out of ten, cats running across playing fields will get airtime, even if the NHL is under contract. The NHL will have to fit in between all the other sports that the network covers, while Verses can exclusively offer one sport. 

And there are rumors that Versus will eventually become the NBC Sports Network next year, which is designed to go head to head with ESPN. And the NHL will be the main attraction (that sounds sort of scary). Also, there is a better chance that NHL players will be in the 2014 Olympics if NBC has the NHL rights, since they also have the Olympic TV rights. And we all know how exciting Olympic hockey is, despite Crosby. 

The NHL doesn't need ESPN to survive. It has gotten terrific ratings while on NBC since the lockout and the game has grown despite the complaints towards NBC. Getting on ESPN is not some sort of magic bullet that will make hockey the new football. Hockey will probably always be a niche sport and it will be treated as such on ESPN (just like in the past). Yes, Versus needs to relax with the bullfighting, cage fighting and fishing shows that no one watches and maybe add some real sports. And sure, they might want to fire Pierre. Yeah, they should probably work on creating a better schedule that doesn't feature Chicago, Detroit or Pittsburgh every single game. . But putting the NHL on ESPN will only mean hockey is lost in the shuffle, between college bowling and darts.  

Monday, April 18

Oklahoma City Thunder

I love these fans. They stand up for most of the game, wear blue and create a raucous atmosphere. Compare that to Los Angeles or New York, who's fans are all celebrities more concerned with getting photographed than paying attention to the game. And those teams have annoying superstars, unlike Kevin Durant. The NBA needs markets like OKC, with fans and players who actually care about the team.
And I like the way the Thunder play the game. Seems like a good bunch of guys. I will be rooting for them, since the Pistons never had a team this season. And apparently is snowed in Michigan?

By Aaron Brandt, who is too sick to blog about anything substantial.  

Saturday, April 9


80 degrees on Sunday!!! So that one time in my biology class, when the professor just put in An Inconvenient Truth and left us alone to watch the mockumentary, err documentary, it was all true?!?! AL GORE WAS RIGHT. Hide your kids, hide your wife, the weather's cooking everybody out here.

This has been a br00tal winter, and now we are going to get blasted with some hot fire from the west. Cue the shorts, sandals and sunscreen. Fire up the air conditioner. Chill the Kool-Aid. Break out the lawn darts. Fill up the kiddie pool, because it's gonna be Africa hot in the 616. Rest in peace, wardrobes of Northface fleeces, Uggs and tights. So long Colombia jacket. If it was a school day, I'd show up looking like David Hasselhof on Baywatch, only with bigger muscles. So have a happy "global warming consequences" day, or as they call it on the news, "Glenn Beck's fault day." Just remember that billions of polar bears died so you could have your little warm day in April. Shame. 

Friday, April 8

109 year-old throws first pitch for Midland Loons

In today's breaking baseball news, a 109 year old woman hurled the first pitch at the Midland Loons home opener. (I went to a Loons game this past summer, and I have to say, despite a baseball illiterate fanbase, I enjoyed the experience.) The best part is the fact that she probably threw a better ball than Mike "The Situation" from Jersey Shore did this pre-season at a Mets game.

Viola Perez didn't strut out there like she was the cat's pajamas, wearing a skin-tight Nike warmup and jeans like she is Mariano in the bottom of the 9th. No, Viola wheeled up to the mound with her walker in a classy sweater, lined up and fired a two seamer towards home. The Situation gunned the ball into the dirt like he was aiming for groundhogs. When your release point is at the full extension of your arm and you are palming the ball, you simply don't know how to throw a baseball.

I always love it when athletic looking dudes can't play any sports. They walk around like hot stuff, but when you throw a rounded object into the equation they go into shutdown mode. You can drink all the Muscle Milk shoot all the HGH into your butt-tocks you want, but it isn't going to get the ball over the plate. I'm perfectly alright knowing that I can't bench 200 pounds. At least I can throw a baseball more than 15 feet like a real American male (and a 109 year-old woman) should.

Of course no video of Situation's throw exists online anymore, but I am serious, he cranked the ball straight into the ground. Nice throw, bro. Try out for the Red Sox.

By Aaron Brandt, 3-time Mel Ott League All-Star. 

Sunday, April 3

Was GVSU hypocritical for hosting Bo Burnham?

I recall my first day in college, when our entire floor on North B was assembled and we had a meeting about the basics of dorm life. My RA brought out a big poster board with all sorts of "hate words" that should NEVER be used. They included obvious racist and homophobic terms, as well as a few heard scratchers, including "gypsy" (which apparently was banned so we do not offend the school's heavy gyptic population). I didn't even know it could be used negatively. I felt like a 10 year old getting scolded by a teacher. I thought we were on our own, in the real world, left to deal with such petty matters on our own. For example, if you drop a racial term around someone of that race, be ready to deal with the consequences. Instead, we sat there, getting GVSU's little politically correct propaganda shpeel about what we could not say. So long free speech rights...

So when I heard that Bo Burnham was coming to this school for a free show, I was a tad skeptical. Bo isn't exactly the cleanest comic ever, but I assumed GV had thought about that already. However, when I did go, I have to say it was probably the raunchiest comedian I have ever heard. I did not fully expect it either. He has the right to say what he wants, and I understand that it is all in the name of comedy and hyperbole, but dang Bo, tone it down a tad, there's freshman in the building. And since this was a free show, that means GVSU (my tuition) footed the bill for this guy. It seems like the school decided to get off its politically correct high horse for this event, and dive into the mud.

How can they demand that students not use the word gypsy and gay (hello, Hillary Duff), when they pay a comedian to say jokes literally 100 times worse than that? How can they hold rallies against bullying and hate speech, when this dude is saying stuff that I can not repeat at all? Yes, it is all jokes and not serious, but I wonder what would have happened if I had said the same stuff in the dorms or in class. I remember when my roommate and I jokingly put up a poster of Obama on our door, and someone drew devil horns on it. We were written up, the supervisor of all the dorms had to come take a picture for the records, and my roommate got a lecture on hate and racism. All for set of devil horns on a man who was only a civic organizer at the time. This reeks of liberal arts hypocracy.

Students foot the bill for all this political correctness, and we also footed the bill for Bo Burnham. GVSU should have thought about that before paying him to do a show. You want to be looked at as an institution that has an open mind, is a safe place where everyone has a voice and is inclusive? Don't pay the writer of a song called Klan Kookout. 

By Aaron Brandt, who will defend Bo's right to free speech, but not GVSU's shoddy censorship track record. 

Leave your thoughts on the show if you went in the comments below.

Saturday, April 2

Charlie Sheen BOMBS live show in Detroit

So the opening act got boo'd off the stage, Sheen got boo'd and cut the show short, returned and then got boo'd off the stage while everyone left mid-show. I don't want to say I told you so, but, I TOLD YOU SO! And if you don't believe me, take a look at Bernis Smilovitz's tweets from the show... (and a real article)
This guy has no idea what he is doing, and this show was proof. If his career wasn't headed to the depths of the ocean before this, this is the icing on the cake. Making fun of Detroiters? Give me a break. There were a lot of people saying that he was smart and in control of his career, but obviously he is not. I have no sympathy for this arrogant idiot. Not winning. Not even making it into the arena.