Monday, March 21

Intramural Flag Football: A Case Study

The Best of Thunder and Destruction - NFL's Hardest Hits [VHS]As the Endzone Divas took the field for the first time Sunday night, they struck with a vengeance. One opponent remarked, "He hit me so hard, he knocked the taste out of my mouth." Ok, ok, so maybe I took that quote from NFL's Thunder and Destruction, but you get the point. In a valiant effort, my team came out of our double header 2-0. Playoff bound.

In my three years of playing IM football at Grand Valley, it has been clear to me that no matter what team we play, there are always the same type of characters gracing the gridiron. I broke them up into categories and explained each.

The "I take it too seriously" Player- This guy shows up in full warmups, rocking an iPod and doing suicides before the game, and then strips down to full body Under Armour, a cutoff tee, armbands (with a playbook), a headband and NikeID custom cleats to match his shorts. He is not here to have fun, but rather to re-live the shortcomings of his high school football career, which was shortened due to that one unfortunate DUI situation. He tells the refs about the rulebook, high steps into the endzone on touchdown passes and meaninglessly points around the field as if to say "I am reading this defense, and I know how to break it." It's flag football, bro. There are no NFL scouts here. No need to throw a tantrum when the neutral zone isn't exactly a yard, or constantly dispute the spot of the ball. And they ALWAYS flag guard.

The "I've never played a sport in my life" Player- I feel bad for this kid. Trust me, I'm no Calvin Johnson, but I have a little bit of coordination, and I know a little bit of football. Unfortunately, you run into (literally) the kid who has no business playing sports, let alone being out in the sun. They are one stiff breeze away from toppling over like a Jenga Tower. This isn't helped by the lack of proper athletic equipment; Chuck Taylors may be cool (debatable) at a NOFX concert, but they do not ever belong on a football field. Neither do khakis. At least buy some shorts that cover up your knobby, pale knees.

The Ball Hog-This player demands the ball on every play, despite a lack of talent and triple coverage. And when they don't get the ball, they complain that they were wide open, even if the team just scored a touchdown. And when they do get the ball, any drops or losses of yardage is someone else's fault.

The Goofy Kid- This kid has a moderate amount of skill, but he chooses to make funny comments during the game, ruining his concentration and costing his team points. But yes, his commentary on last night's Tosh.0 was humorous.

The Normal Player- This is a person who has some amount of athleticism, (maybe a lot), likes football and is out to have fun. Yes, they want to win, but if they lose, its all good.

Steve Swan- Probably the worst player in GVSU IM history, this quarterback has been compared to a mix of Steven Threet and Greg Paulus. He can't throw the ball, and he can't run the ball. He still recalls a game from high school against Lutheran Northworst, where he caught three touchdowns, despite the fact that QB Richie Beebe deserved all the credit for those perfect passes, and the other team was basically terrible. We offered to trade him for a bag of athletic tape, but the Donte Stallworth Driving Academy declined the offer.