Wednesday, March 23

I want a floating soccer roof in my back yard

Whenever I can't think of anything to talk about, I simply search "soccer" in Google News and find the next ridiculous tale from the world's most popular sport. I have already given my opinions on the 2022 World Cup in Qatar, and one of my points was that the temperature will average triple digits. Can you imagine the amount of career ending cramps that Handspring Sam will have to tend to in that heat? Anyway, Qatar promised to build a bunch of air conditioned stadiums, and they finally revealed the plan.

Instead of building a bunch of domed or roofed stadiums, the geniuses (literally you have to be a genius to invent this) here decided to build a floating roof. That's right, a roof will be hovering over the field, shading it from the hot sun (but not all of it of course, that would make too much sense for a sport who's fans shoot flares its players...). It will have big propellers that let it hover using solar power. It is also remote controlled. Its just like an RC car, if RC cars cost $500,000 and were only going to be used for two weeks.

If this doesn't sound like the stupidest idea, I don't know what is (stoppage time). The flying roof doesn't even cover the whole field! Not only do the goalies have to watch out for rescue flares, they have to cook in the sun. This sounds like something straight out of a Popular Science from 1993. You know, the outrageous predictions that are now laughable as time has passed, like flying cars and jetpacks for everyone. Again, the World Cup selection committee passed on the United States, Japan, Australia and South Korea to go to a place so hot that they had to invent floating ceilings to keep the latest Adidas ball that everyone will complain about from melting to the turf. And this goofy identified flying object will certainly block the view from the Goodyear Blimp.

What do you do with a floating roof once the Cup is over?  The official press release says "commercial models which could also be used at beaches, car parking by using the mobile phone." What does that even mean? Do I get to use my mobile phone to dial up one of these bad boys and have it hover over my car while I shop at the mall? The Accord could use some pampering, I guess.

And what about the fans? They get no shade? So they have to sit in an arena and bake in temperatures that can reach 122 degrees to watch a game that might, and I mean might, include one goal. Are they trying to not sell tickets? Don't get me wrong, the World Cup is one of the best sporting events around, and I tune in every four years, despite all the fake injuries and lack of scoring. But what were they thinking when a country the size of Connecticut and the heat of Death Valley was chosen? I hope the guy with the remote control doesn't pass out from the heat, or else we will have a Freddy Adu pancake. And I wonder how much bottled water $500,000 would buy in Japan?

By Aaron Brandt, who was never in contention to host the World Cup.