Thursday, March 3

Another typical soccer overreaction

I've talked about this in the past, and I was only half joking. Seriously, soccer, chill out with the theatrics. You got this medic, who is doing cartwheels like he's Kerri Strung in 1996, while some soccer player is faking yet another injury with an acting job that would make Colin Firth jealous. The fact that this medic cared more about his floor routine than attending to an "injured" soccer player really shows how fake those injuries are on the pitch. I mean seriously, this is why people in America hate soccer. We watch hockey players get their faces sown back on during the first period and out playing in the second. We see Michael Jordan with a crippling fever going out and lighting up the Jazz for 38 points. We see MMA dudes break ribs and fingers and still go out there and knock other dudes out. Then we watch some soccer player flop like he got shot with an Uzi, and his trainer sprints out doing Paul Hamm handsprings and begging the crowd for noise like he's Hooper (and Mini-Hooper); of course we are going to pick competive log sawing on ESPN 4.2 over that garbage.

Dude, you're the trainer. Not on the team, not coaching the team and you probably aren't even a doctor. Just some random guy who has that magical spray and magical cloth that magically heals all injuries (and also has studied with the Chinese gymnastics team). You see dramatics that would make General Daniel Sickles cringe, followed by "recoveries" so embarrassing that  General George B. McClellan would blush. I've seen this same stuff in high school as well. You would think Country Day had razor blades on their cleats based on the aftermath of some simple slide tackles. Come on soccer, one moment you guys are running for miles and kicking balls with laser accuracy, and the next moment you are sprawled out on the ground like an octopus at the Joe. You have dudes getting the same flat tire Joel Booth gave me everyday in high school, only instead of walking away, Mr. Ringling Brothers himself needs to come out with a stretcher and cart your carcass off to the side with the rest of the bodies from the game and the riots outside.

And now you have soccer dudes straight up Jason Hanson-extra point kicking helpless owls into the third row of the stadium. I didn't see Mr. Fancy Pants come twirling out to help that animal... The list of logical reasons for Americans to hate soccer just keeps growing and growing. I can't wait for that World Cup in Qatar, can you?

By Aaron Brandt, who once played through a sprained thumb in intramural flag football. True Grit.