Monday, February 21

Blake Griffin's average dunk over a Kia

The Slam Dunk Contest at this year's NBA All-Star game was actually decent. Except one part. Blake Griffin. Everyone's favorite Sooner took home first place with the most boring, easy dunks of the night.

Seriously, this dude did the most basic dunks in the world and walked away champion. Did he jump over the free throw line? Rescue a stuffed animal? Dunk on two hoops? Dunk with three balls? No. He did a dunk that we see him perform about five times a week on SportsCenter, only he doesn't get paid to jump over a compact car every time.

Great idea by Kia to roll out their car and become the talk of the weekend, but it did not deserve a win. He didn't even jump over the actual car, just the hood. And he jumped from the middle of the lane. That's something Greg Monroe could do in his sleep. Just because Kia paid Griffin a bag of money to use a prop does not make it a good dunk. The chior had nothing to do with the dunk either. Its like if Michelle Kwan (the only figure skater I can think of off the top of my head) brought in some ice sculptures of the Vancouver skyline and won the Olympics because she was "creative." (The French judge would still hate it, but only because of the bribes she took earlier).

In order to spice up the contest a bit, and add some actual challenges, I propose some of my own ideas.

  1. Jump through rings of fire. Like Will Ferrell in Old School. The danger of smoldering on the hardwood adds at least four points to the total score.
  2. Set up a six foot deep pool and jump out of that to dunk. Anyone can grab rim, but from underwater? 
  3. Dunk wearing rollerblades. Shoes are overrated.
  4. Dunk a cat. If you kill the cat, you lose. If it lives, you might get 45 points. 
  5. Sign your name on the new collective bargaining agreement, located on the backboard. Impossible, I know.
  6. Jump over GraveDigger. Anyone can dunk over the hood of a clown car from Asia, but I fear the man who can dunk over the fan favorite of the Pontiac Silverdome. 
  7. Actually be a star in the league and actually enter the contest. Where is the NBA's best players in the contest? One semi-star enters and basically wins it before it begins. Imagine if LeBron, Howard, Kobe and D-Rose suited up and went at it. 
  8. Dunk Justin Bieber. I seriously have no problem with a kid making millions doing what he loves, but his two crossovers were so overrated. Maybe if it was in a 6th grade basketball game verses Trinity Utica, I would be impressed, but not from a 16 year old. Windmill his world 2.0 into the basket.
  9. Go up for a dunk and strip to your undies in midair before slamming it home. No one has the guts to pull this off...Oh wait, Walter Hermann already did? Nevermind.
By Aaron Brandt, who surprisingly, cannot dunk.